Biggest Punchlines In The NBA: Eddy Curry

The look on Eddy Curry's face says it all...no mas D'antoni.

Team: Last seen trying to sneak his way onto the 2011 playoffs-bound Miami Heat squad.

Summary: Eddy Curry has long been the poster-child for terrible, rotten contracts in the NBA. His career began with promise, but crashed within the span of a few years.

History: Even though he had signed a letter of intent to play at DePaul, Curry chose to forgo college and was drafted by the Chicago Bulls with the fourth overall pick in 2001.
Curry plowed through four seasons with the Bulls, posting a strong field goal percentage and even leading the team in scoring in his fourth season. However, near the end of that season, Curry was hospitalized for an irregular heartbeat, missing the final 13 games of the regular season and the entirety of the playoffs. In October of that year, after refusing to submit to a team-mandated DNA test in relation to his heart condition, the Bulls traded Curry to New York. In the process, the Knicks signed him to one of the most contraversial contracts in NBA sports history: six years, $60 million, uninsured.

5 Things We Don't Want To See In The Post-Lockout NBA World

Despite their mistakes, the Bobcats shouldn't be contracted.

As Day 18 of the NBA lockout rolls around with no signs of movement in the deadlock between players and owners, we at JFS would like to offer up some of our biggest fears about the future of pro ball.


1. Contraction 

If it isn't obvious by now, fan interest and league marketability aren't the most pressing issues for the NBA.

The biggest problem is cash, and how to make it. In short, the league needs to find a way for small market teams to harness the passion of their fanbases in a profitable way (i.e, finding ways to keep superstars on small market teams, creating a better system of revenue sharing, and instituting a hard salary cap).

Several months ago, David Stern acknowledged that contraction was a more of a reality than many would've liked to admit. Yet, it seems clear that his pride will force his hand, and he will do what it takes to avoid it. It would be a personal failure to Stern if he watches small market franchises fall by the wayside, several of which (Raptors, Grizzlies, Bobcats, Heat, Magic, T'wolves, and Hornets) came into the league on his watch.

Putting a team on the chopping block won't solve the NBA's problems. It'll be a move of desperation, offering only a temporary fix. The fans are there, the interest is there, and the players are there. The missing piece is a sustainable business model.

Coming off one the best years in recent memory, the league shouldn't abandon its nationwide network, its fan base. Instead, it should focus on how to restructure these franchises for success. Evacuating a market is the same as turning your back on part of your loyal constituency.

You think people in Seattle still care about the NBA?

No thank you.

2. Sponsored Uniforms

Jersey sponsorship isn't built into the DNA of professional basketball in America (nor is it for football, baseball, or hockey). To sell the hallowed space on the front of uniforms would be to sacrifice something sacred, something iconic.

 Michael Jordan is forever captured in mid-air during his free-throw line dunk, "Bulls" logo flaring outwards. Can you imagine Derrick Rose and Joakim Noah trouncing around with black and red Pizza Hut jerseys? We see Kobe, Kareem, and Magic in the purple and gold, with "Lakers" stamped on their uniforms, not Gatorade. What about the Celtics? Or the Knicks? It would warp the profile of the NBA's greatest teams and, not to mention, betray the team's nickname.

Also, put simply, game jerseys just wouldn't look as cool.

It makes sense for the Euroleague, and it makes sense for the teams that have adopted it in the WNBA. In those cases, sponsored jerseys have been a part of the league's history.

In sports there are very few spaces that haven't been invaded by advertisements. For now, let's leave the uniforms alone. If need be, there's always plenty of room on practice jerseys, even for subtle advertisements on the sleeves or shorts.

Haters beware: Don't understate what these women are doing.

3. No WNBA

Astonishingly, many analysts have suggested canning the WNBA as a viable financial option for the NBA, including the ever-popular Bill Simmons, hegemon of the newly-minted Grantland.com.

I like to think that I model my writing after ESPN's Sports Guy, but on this point, I think he's bitterly wrong. In fact, I was slightly offended that an NBA lifer such as him, one of the most knowledgeable guys out there, would casually include this in such an important column (I'd wager that David Stern, a friend and habitual guest on Simmons' podcast, has glanced at it, if not one of his cronies).

It comes off as ignorant and even sexist to casually write off (in 3 sentences of a behemoth column) the standard-bearer for US women's professional sports as a "necessary" casualty of the NBA lockout, saying the league can't afford "noble luxuries" anymore.

Having weathered its way through 15 years of financial instability, development, and constant talk of disbandment, the WNBA is a survivor, not just a symbol of hope for women's sports, but also a significant achievement in itself.

In its early years, the WNBA relied heavily on the resources of the NBA, but it has since stepped up. Six of the 12 franchises are now independently owned (when the league kicked off in 1996, all the teams were owned by NBA franchises). As WNBA bloggers, the DC Basketcases, pointed out, the WNBA's salary cap per team is $825,000, tiny in comparison to the men's figure, which sits at a whopping $58 million, with a minimum salary of $43.5 million.

To put that in perspective, Eddy Curry's contract for the 2010-2011 season alone outweighed the sum total salaries of all WNBA teams.

Any amount of money the NBA puts towards subsidizing the WNBA is a drop in the bucket compared to expenses within its own league.

And on the other side, we have the importance of the league, eloquently defended by several writers who get fewer reads but make far more substantial arguments than those commentators casually throwing the WNBA under the bus. Ben York of Slamonline.com attacks the carelessness of the general statements being made about the WNBA.

"The message being sent to the masses is that women’s basketball isn’t valuable from any standpoint and certainly not worth investing in financially or emotionally. Again, whether they mean to or not isn’t a viable excuse."

Bob Kravitz of Indystar.com outlines how critical the league is for women's sports.

"Simply, it is important to sustain the WNBA, to give it every chance to grow and become completely self-sufficient and eventually profitable. As long as it's not bleeding the owners dry, it's imperative for the NBA to continue its support for the only relevant women's pro sports league in this country. (Women's pro soccer? Really? Can you name a team?)"

"The WNBA hasn't simply provided the country with a summer alternative and an ever-improving brand of basketball. It hasn't simply shown its male counterparts in all sports how to be accessible and humble and generous. What the WNBA has done is given hope to every girl who has ever dribbled a ball and dreamed."

Navigating a path out of the lockout is solely up to the NBA itself. Leave the WNBA out of this mess.

DeMarcus Cousins will go into hibernation.

4. "Softer" Players

Now, on a much less serious note, we move on to a category that (barely) fits Eddy Curry. The NBA has to worry about its players maintaining their fitness during the work stoppage.

No, seriously.

We've seen what Baron Davis does with a lack of motivation. We don't (or do we?) want to see bloated versions of Z-Bo and Big Baby bouncing off of each other in the post. And we all know/fear what DeMarcus Cousins is capable of (on a side note, I'm still trying to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from reading Cousins' sarcastic tweet on June 30, and Dwyane "I Expected Better From You" Wade's tweet on July 1).

I'll refer you to an October 8, 2010 article by Shane DePutron from a website devoted to endless streams of sports lists, the Bleacher Report.

Worst case scenario: a repeat of Curry's first day of training camp for the 2008-2009 season. Exploding exercise balls right and left.

"Which way did Dolan go? I gotta convince him to re-sign Eddy Curry!"

5. Isiah Thomas

Could he be back? Never say never.

Knicks fans have ceased trying to be rational.

While it seems unlikely that Thomas will

return to his former position as President of Basketball Operations for the Knicks (in all honesty, he and his family aren't safe in NYC), he is on a short list of potential replacements as head coach of the Detroit Pistons.

And even if that doesn't pan out for him, he's still going to have his voice heard in the Knicks' front office, hardwired through billionaire owner and best friend James Dolan.

I think I speak for Knicks fans everywhere when I say, "Please, Isiah, anyone but us! Go to LA! The Clippers would be a perfect match...cursed man, cursed franchise."


Hate the column? Love the column? Send us an email at jabronifreesports@gmail.com. 


Dean Karoliszyn is the Coeditor-in-Chief and cofounder of Jabroni Free Sports.

2011 NBA Draft Retro Diary: The Year of the Euro-broni

Who Will Earn The Right To Be Dubbed "Lithuanian Lightning?"

Hey all, welcome to the first annual JFS live draft commentary!

So many questions, but one sticks out: is Kemba Walker excited for his upcoming internship?


7:24 P.M. - Pre-draft coverage is smothered by Adele's "Rolling in the Deep," which has been played over and over again. British soul just doesn't seem right for basketball. It's apparent that something has gone wrong in the NBA's advertising department. Maybe they've started cutting costs, but a once-prestigious product has taken a hit in quality, with talking basketballs instead of a slo-mo black-and-white clip of LeBron James landing a massive dunk on the Celtics. Times have changed; now we get to see Jimmer Fredette dressed up in golfing regalia, sputtering out a ditty on a drum set and awkwardly pointing the sticks towards the camera.

7:44 - As expected, Kyrie Irving is picked first by the Cavaliers. More importantly, let's talk about his father's name. I feel better about myself and my life, knowing that someone named Drederick exists in the world. Even better: his retro-NBA graphic features one of the finest flat tops I've ever seen. "Don't laugh," Stuart Scott says, laughing.

7:55 - Jeff Van Gundy chimes in with one of those comments only Jeff Van Gundy can make: "Why are [NBA executives] clapping? They already know what the pick is..." He's met by silence and a pat on the back from Jon Barry. Did he hit his head? Oh yeah, I forgot, he did.

8:06 - 35 minutes in and Jan Vesely is officially the winner of this year's draft. The Czech big man is taken sixth overall by the Wizards. First order of business in the NBA? Snog his girlfriend on national television. You'd better believe jan vesely girlfriend is trending right now. Fran Fraschilla awkwardly jokes before his analysis of the pick, "Well, first of all Stu, he has great taste in women." I've got a good feeling about Vesely; with his shameless PDA and Arnold Schwarzenegger-like accent, he's going to produce many a great soundbite/YouTube clip.

8:10 - The Bobcats pay the Corey Maggette tax to get a the seventh overall pick. Seems like a dubious first step towards redemption for MJ's franchise...trading a slightly-less washed-up ball-hog for a slightly-more washed-up ball hog. In his twisted (but usually correct) logic, Van Gundy suggests the Bobcats must "get really good, or get bad to try to get good." Yes?

8:12 - Bismack Biyombo is picked by the Kings (to be traded to the Bobcats) with the seventh pick. I agree with Stuart Scott, he has the coolest name in the draft so far. That won't get him far in the NBA, though. Pardon the obvious comparison, but he reminds me of a shorter, more athletic Hasheem Thabeet. Biyombo was chosen by many analysts as the most likely to be a bust, a high risk/high reward guy. Jon Barry says he has "no offense at all." If that doesn't scream "red flag," I don't know what does. Not a problem, he'll just develop his big-man skills and navigate his way through pro ball with the veteran help of new front court mate Kwame Brown.

8:30 - Now on to the "experience" guys. Kemba Walker goes at number ten to the Bobcats. Maybe MJ knows what he's doing, going for one "potential" guy and one "proven" guy. This may be (is) a biased UConn fan talking, but how can you dislike Kemba? He plays with heart and emotion, he's not afraid to take the big shot, and hey, he did (almost single-handedly) dominate the NCAA competition for the last month of the season. Ok, ok, so I'm very biased.

8:33 - As the clock winds down on the 10th pick, Jon Barry prophesizes, "It's Jimmer time." Fredette is chosen by the Bucks (and traded to the Kings). The two most impressive tidbits of information I learned about Jimmer tonight? (1) His freshman year in college, he and his brother signed a contract confirming his NBA draft aspirations (Stuart Scott snipes, "His defense needs some help, and maybe his handwriting does too"). Balls-y. (2) Jimmer and his brother played basketball with inmates at a local prison. In his first game, Jimmer dropped 40 points. Jimmer vs. The Prison System: sounds like a great movie idea.

8:44 - An interview between the newly-appointed head coach of the Warriors, Mark Jackson, and his former colleagues turns bromantic quickly..."We really miss you here...we all miss you man."

8:52 - Markieff Morris is selected by the Suns with the 13th pick. Mysteriously, his twin brother Marcus is the one who starts crying. As he wipes away tears, he says, "It ain't the end of the world, we're gonna see each other again."

8:56 - As Marcus Morris is taken by the Rockets with the 14th pick, a man at his table musters his inner Lil' Jon and yells "Yeaaaaaaaah, LET'S GO!" No more tears, Marcus. Congrats, Marcus. Time to be the Robin to the Brook Lopez, or even better, the Harvey to the Horace Grant.

9:05 - Mark Jones on Kawhi Leonard's hands: "Those things are meat cleavers!"

9:14 - Knicks fans are starting chants, cheering, and booing. They are loud, unruly, very disillusioned, and preparing for the worst.......Iman Shumpert! ESPN cuts to the Knicks contingent with their hands on their heads in disbelief. One fan mouths to the camera, "What were you thinking? What were you thinking?" He's a great defender, super athletic, but with no shot. Sounds like a player the Knicks cut four months ago. In an uncomfortable post-pick interview with Spike Lee, he gives his less than ringing endorsement of the now-goat Shumpert: "We're gonna go with it, we have no choice."

9:42 - Newark's own Kenneth Faried is chosen by the Denver Nuggets. He kisses his baby, hugs his family, and thanks the crowd. This marks the last-ever feel-good moment for Newark basketball fans.

9:59 - The Celtics choose the offensively gifted, defensively challenged MarShon Brooks with the 25th pick. In another example of the pitfalls of miked-up commentating, Jay Bilas calls Marshon Brooks "a matador defender." Perhaps that's the case, but maybe wait to rip his deficiencies until the kid gets done shaking the commissioner's hand?

10:05 - Brooks is traded to the Nets. Andy Katz announces it to underwhelming applause from the home crowd. C'mon New Jersey, get excited! In a few years, if Brooks is dropping 25 a night, you can always commute up to Brooklyn to watch him play in front of a crowd of hipsters wearing retro Nets hats and sweatshirts from Salvation Army.

10:21 - The Bulls take Marquette's Jimmy Butler with the last pick in the first round. The heartwarming tale of Butler's improbable run to the NBA draft is dampened by a rain of boos on David Stern, who, in typical draft-day fashion, eggs them on by sarcastically replying, "Thanks for that." The boos double in intensity. Unlike the NFL draft, the NBA draft is packed with rowdy, jersey-wearing frat boys who cheer and boo like they're at a wet t-shirt contest. Stern smiles and turns the second round of picks over to the Deputy Commissioner, Adam Silver. I'm getting strong deja vu; didn't they star in Pinky and the Brain?

Sometime around midnight - Why am I still watching this? The Lakers just made the two worst picks in (what must be, in my limited knowledge) NBA history, Chukwudiebere Maduabum, a skinny power forward from Nigeria and the NBA Development League's Bakersfield Jam, and Ater Majok, a tall jabroni who played for UConn last year under Jim Calhoun before shamefully quitting in favor of pro ball in Australia. On a closing note, the last pick in the draft is Isaiah Thomas, a player whose father named him after the exiled ex-Knicks GM when he lost a bet. And that'll do it for the night.

As the least memorable draft in recent memory ends, so begins the longest waiting period of these newly-minted rookies' careers: the summer before the lockout-threatened season. But I digress. The most important story of the night: Ron Artest has officially filed to change his name to Metta World Peace.


Hate the column? Love the column? Send us an email at jabronifreesports@gmail.com. 


Dean Karoliszyn is the Coeditor-in-Chief and cofounder of Jabroni Free Sports.