The Plaxico Burress Saga: Earning A Fresh Start

Plaxico Burress won it all in 2008. One year later, he was serving time.

As newly-acquired wide receiver Plaxico Burress prepares to make his New York Jets debut September 11 against the Dallas Cowboys, the career-halting incident from nearly three years ago seems to be in the moral rear view mirror (but don't get me wrong, he will still hear it from opposing fans). In the wake of Michael Vick's recent redemption, the question has to be asked: has Plaxico done enough to get the boot off our shitlist?

Know Your Role, James Harrison

Harrison with two of his many problems. (c/o mensjournal.com)

Of all the dumb things that athletes have shared with the press, revealed in interviews, and tweeted, Pittsburgh Steelers' linebacker James Harrison's comments in the August issue of Men's Journal are perhaps the most mind-numbingly idiotic. And because of the lockout, the NFL can only sit idly by as one of its premier players tears the league a new one. So, in the spirit of justice, it's the media's responsibility to fire back.

With the feel and tone of this blog in mind, I'd like to label Harrison a jabroni, but unfortunately, being one of the best defensive players in the league, he eludes that title.

Let's try this one on for size: James Harrison, you are a tactless moron and a borderline psychopath.

And with that, I'd like to introduce a new JFS segment I like to call, "Know Your Role, and Shut Your Mouth!"


Hey James Harrison, here's the rundown of how you totally blew it.

1. Take a deep breath and let your brain recalibrate before calling out two of your teammates. Rashard Mendenhall is far from a "fumble machine"...as he pointed out via twitter, he turned the ball over just twice during the 2010 regular season. And you have the balls to call out Ben Roethlisberger, your field general and one of the NFL's most talented quarterbacks? Given, he's far from the most liked in the league, but the man has made three Super Bowls and has two rings to show for it. Get a grip. Without these guys, your team would never have made the Super Bowl. And even if your teammates did suck, you call them out in the locker room, never in public.

Commissioner Goodell is the fulcrum of Harrison's tirade

2. So there's a complex issue at hand: you believe the fines that Commissioner Roger Goodell handed down to you last year were unwarranted, even racially motivated. You manhandle Vince Young, a black quarterback, and get fined $5,000. You spear Drew Brees, a white quarterback, from behind, and the fine quadruples to $20,000. 

 “Clay Matthews [a white player], who’s all hype — he had a couple of three-sack games in the first four weeks and was never heard from again — I’m quite sure I saw him put his helmet on Michael Vick [black] and never paid a dime. But if I hit Peyton Manning or Tom Brady [white, white] high, they’d have fucked around and kicked me out of the league.”

You believe that the suits in the NFL aren't in tune with the players on the field. They see a dirty hit, you explain the reasoning behind the hit ("What I tried to explain to Goodell, but he was too stupid to understand, is that dudes crouch when you go to hit them.") but it falls on deaf ears.  

Well, James Harrison, those sound like some genuine grievances, if properly articulated! However, "if properly articulated" is the all-important qualifying phrase:

“My rep is James Harrison, mean son of a bitch who loves hitting the hell out of people,” he says. “But up until last year, there was no word of me being dirty — till Roger Goodell, who’s a crook and a puppet, said I was the dirtiest player in the league. If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn’t do it. I hate him and will never respect him.”

You go on to call Goodell a "devil", "faggot", "punk", and "dictator". Tastefully done.

Here's my advice: Go back, get some words, then people will listen to what you have to say.

3. And the cherry on top: You have the eloquence of tongue to call your commissioner an anti-gay slur. C'mon man, we thought we'd turned a corner, what, with Michael Irvin on the July cover of Out magazine, Phoenix Suns' President Rick Welts coming out, and Charles Barkley's unique take on playing with gay basketball players. The world of sports has finally, slowly but surely, seen progress on the gay liberation front. Yet, you've managed to put yourself in the company of bigotry (see: in-game homophobic slurs by Joakim Noah and Kobe Bryant). It's the 21st Century, we like to think that we're at a new pinnacle of enlightenment as a race...get with the times. Homophobia isn't cool anymore.

4.  I'm just gonna go out and say it: you desperately need anger management classes. I know, you've already taken them once before, for breaking down a door, crushing a telephone, and open palm slapping your wife across the face during an argument over whether or not your sons would get baptized. But in my honest opinion, you still have rage issues, whether you're calling out the Patriots ("I hate those motherfuckers"), ranting about the joy of causing physical pain, or offering your absolutely offensive take on guns and gun violence, saying that the solution to campus shootings is to arm students and teachers.


When all is said and done, James Harrison, you need to know your role, and shut your mouth!


On a concluding note, what's most frustrating about Harrison's outbursts is that his inflammatory remarks mask the more subtly important aspects of the article, which raise even more concern about the fundamental structure of the game. If concussions are being treated this lightly by the players, something needs to change as soon as possible.

“I get dinged about three times a year and don’t know where I am for a little minute. But unless I’m asleep, you’re not getting me out of the game, and most guys feel the same way. If a guy has a choice of hitting me high or low, hit me in the head and I’ll pay your fine. Just don’t hit me in the knee, ’cause that’s life-threatening. How’m I going to feed my family if I can’t run?”

These fines being levied aren't changing the tactics of players or coaches, because this is what the game has evolved into and this is how its players have adapted over the years.

Goodell, listen up: the teacher doesn't punish his student for following the lesson plan, the teacher changes the lesson plan. Football is a dangerous sport as is, and no amount of fines will fix the problem.


Hate the column? Love the column? Send us an email at jabronifreesports@gmail.com. 


Dean Karoliszyn is the Coeditor-in-Chief and cofounder of Jabroni Free Sports.

David Tyree: I'm Calling You Out, Jabroni

C/O HRC.org

So this might be kind of a weird first post on this blog-of-all-trades, but so be it. I just read David Tyree's statement against New York's bill for marriage equality, and, well, it REEKS of jabroni. Especially this passage:

"It's about how can marriage be marriage for thousands of years and now all of the sudden, because a minority, an influential minority, has a push or an agenda and totally reshapes something that was not founded in our country, not founded by man, it is something that is holy and sacred. I think there is nothing more honorable, worth fighting for, especially if we really care about our future generations."

I'm going to re-phrase what Mr. Helmet Catch's first sentence is really saying: "How can an institution exist for thousands of years, and then all of a sudden, because an oppressed minority is fighting for equality, that institution that was not founded in our country, suddenly change?"

Seriously? Just look at that sentence. Now imagine we're in Alabama, circa 1959. Hmm. Doesn't the meaning of that statement change?

It's shocking how people against the marriage equality bill like David Tyree can make statements like that, so blind to the historical ramifications of what they're saying. It's even more shocking that only a few years ago David Tyree's family weren't allowed to vote. 


If you're not buying this argument coming from a straight, upper-middle class white guy, here's the same thing from Charles Barkley on Bill Simmons' podcast in reference to what he sees as discrimination against homosexuals:

I grew up in Alabama at the time of the church bombings and Dr. Martin Luther King. My family has always been in the fight. [...] My grandmother, who's the greatest influence in my life, she made a conscious effort to make sure that any time you see or hear discrimination you stand up. You don't be no punk. You don't let your friends tell jokes like that, because if they tell an Asian joke or a Jewish joke, when you're not around they'll tell a black joke. So my grandmother always said, "Hey listen, you don't sit back and let it go like that."

So for the first post on JFS, I'm going to listen to Chuck. I'm going to go make a donation to the Human Rights Campaign (which is doing a major fundraising push in New York State to try to get this bill passed). Here's the link so that if you want, you can do the same thing.

Hate the column? Love the column? Send us an email at jabronifreesports@gmail.com. 


Gabe Lezra is the Editor-in-Chief (and founder) of Managing Madrid, a Real Madrid website dedicated to bringing English-speaking fans funny, top-quality analysis. His work has been featured on CNN.com and CNN's World Sport, and he regularly contributes to Bleacher Report.