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So many questions, but one sticks out: is Kemba Walker excited for his upcoming internship?
7:24 P.M. - Pre-draft coverage is smothered by Adele's "Rolling in the Deep," which has been played over and over again. British soul just doesn't seem right for basketball. It's apparent that something has gone wrong in the NBA's advertising department. Maybe they've started cutting costs, but a once-prestigious product has taken a hit in quality, with talking basketballs instead of a slo-mo black-and-white clip of LeBron James landing a massive dunk on the Celtics. Times have changed; now we get to see Jimmer Fredette dressed up in golfing regalia, sputtering out a ditty on a drum set and awkwardly pointing the sticks towards the camera.
7:44 - As expected, Kyrie Irving is picked first by the Cavaliers. More importantly, let's talk about his father's name. I feel better about myself and my life, knowing that someone named Drederick exists in the world. Even better: his retro-NBA graphic features one of the finest flat tops I've ever seen. "Don't laugh," Stuart Scott says, laughing.
7:55 - Jeff Van Gundy chimes in with one of those comments only Jeff Van Gundy can make: "Why are [NBA executives] clapping? They already know what the pick is..." He's met by silence and a pat on the back from Jon Barry. Did he hit his head? Oh yeah, I forgot, he did.
8:06 - 35 minutes in and Jan Vesely is officially the winner of this year's draft. The Czech big man is taken sixth overall by the Wizards. First order of business in the NBA? Snog his girlfriend on national television. You'd better believe jan vesely girlfriend is trending right now. Fran Fraschilla awkwardly jokes before his analysis of the pick, "Well, first of all Stu, he has great taste in women." I've got a good feeling about Vesely; with his shameless PDA and Arnold Schwarzenegger-like accent, he's going to produce many a great soundbite/YouTube clip.
8:10 - The Bobcats pay the Corey Maggette tax to get a the seventh overall pick. Seems like a dubious first step towards redemption for MJ's franchise...trading a slightly-less washed-up ball-hog for a slightly-more washed-up ball hog. In his twisted (but usually correct) logic, Van Gundy suggests the Bobcats must "get really good, or get bad to try to get good." Yes?
8:12 - Bismack Biyombo is picked by the Kings (to be traded to the Bobcats) with the seventh pick. I agree with Stuart Scott, he has the coolest name in the draft so far. That won't get him far in the NBA, though. Pardon the obvious comparison, but he reminds me of a shorter, more athletic Hasheem Thabeet. Biyombo was chosen by many analysts as the most likely to be a bust, a high risk/high reward guy. Jon Barry says he has "no offense at all." If that doesn't scream "red flag," I don't know what does. Not a problem, he'll just develop his big-man skills and navigate his way through pro ball with the veteran help of new front court mate Kwame Brown.
8:30 - Now on to the "experience" guys. Kemba Walker goes at number ten to the Bobcats. Maybe MJ knows what he's doing, going for one "potential" guy and one "proven" guy. This may be (is) a biased UConn fan talking, but how can you dislike Kemba? He plays with heart and emotion, he's not afraid to take the big shot, and hey, he did (almost single-handedly) dominate the NCAA competition for the last month of the season. Ok, ok, so I'm very biased.
8:33 - As the clock winds down on the 10th pick, Jon Barry prophesizes, "It's Jimmer time." Fredette is chosen by the Bucks (and traded to the Kings). The two most impressive tidbits of information I learned about Jimmer tonight? (1) His freshman year in college, he and his brother signed a contract confirming his NBA draft aspirations (Stuart Scott snipes, "His defense needs some help, and maybe his handwriting does too"). Balls-y. (2) Jimmer and his brother played basketball with inmates at a local prison. In his first game, Jimmer dropped 40 points. Jimmer vs. The Prison System: sounds like a great movie idea.
8:44 - An interview between the newly-appointed head coach of the Warriors, Mark Jackson, and his former colleagues turns bromantic quickly..."We really miss you here...we all miss you man."
8:52 - Markieff Morris is selected by the Suns with the 13th pick. Mysteriously, his twin brother Marcus is the one who starts crying. As he wipes away tears, he says, "It ain't the end of the world, we're gonna see each other again."
8:56 - As Marcus Morris is taken by the Rockets with the 14th pick, a man at his table musters his inner Lil' Jon and yells "Yeaaaaaaaah, LET'S GO!" No more tears, Marcus. Congrats, Marcus. Time to be the Robin to the Brook Lopez, or even better, the Harvey to the Horace Grant.
9:05 - Mark Jones on Kawhi Leonard's hands: "Those things are meat cleavers!"
9:14 - Knicks fans are starting chants, cheering, and booing. They are loud, unruly, very disillusioned, and preparing for the worst.......Iman Shumpert! ESPN cuts to the Knicks contingent with their hands on their heads in disbelief. One fan mouths to the camera, "What were you thinking? What were you thinking?" He's a great defender, super athletic, but with no shot. Sounds like a player the Knicks cut four months ago. In an uncomfortable post-pick interview with Spike Lee, he gives his less than ringing endorsement of the now-goat Shumpert: "We're gonna go with it, we have no choice."
9:42 - Newark's own Kenneth Faried is chosen by the Denver Nuggets. He kisses his baby, hugs his family, and thanks the crowd. This marks the last-ever feel-good moment for Newark basketball fans.
9:59 - The Celtics choose the offensively gifted, defensively challenged MarShon Brooks with the 25th pick. In another example of the pitfalls of miked-up commentating, Jay Bilas calls Marshon Brooks "a matador defender." Perhaps that's the case, but maybe wait to rip his deficiencies until the kid gets done shaking the commissioner's hand?
10:05 - Brooks is traded to the Nets. Andy Katz announces it to underwhelming applause from the home crowd. C'mon New Jersey, get excited! In a few years, if Brooks is dropping 25 a night, you can always commute up to Brooklyn to watch him play in front of a crowd of hipsters wearing retro Nets hats and sweatshirts from Salvation Army.
10:21 - The Bulls take Marquette's Jimmy Butler with the last pick in the first round. The heartwarming tale of Butler's improbable run to the NBA draft is dampened by a rain of boos on David Stern, who, in typical draft-day fashion, eggs them on by sarcastically replying, "Thanks for that." The boos double in intensity. Unlike the NFL draft, the NBA draft is packed with rowdy, jersey-wearing frat boys who cheer and boo like they're at a wet t-shirt contest. Stern smiles and turns the second round of picks over to the Deputy Commissioner, Adam Silver. I'm getting strong deja vu; didn't they star in Pinky and the Brain?
Sometime around midnight - Why am I still watching this? The Lakers just made the two worst picks in (what must be, in my limited knowledge) NBA history, Chukwudiebere Maduabum, a skinny power forward from Nigeria and the NBA Development League's Bakersfield Jam, and Ater Majok, a tall jabroni who played for UConn last year under Jim Calhoun before shamefully quitting in favor of pro ball in Australia. On a closing note, the last pick in the draft is Isaiah Thomas, a player whose father named him after the exiled ex-Knicks GM when he lost a bet. And that'll do it for the night.
As the least memorable draft in recent memory ends, so begins the longest waiting period of these newly-minted rookies' careers: the summer before the lockout-threatened season. But I digress. The most important story of the night: Ron Artest has officially filed to change his name to Metta World Peace.
Hate the column? Love the column? Send us an email at jabronifreesports@gmail.com.
Dean Karoliszyn is the Coeditor-in-Chief and cofounder of Jabroni Free Sports.
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